Life was never the same again.

I wish I didn't have to write this post. I wish it wasn't real, and I certainly wish I could go back in time just for a little bit.

Earlier this month I lost my dad to cancer, and from one day to another, life was never the same again.

I don't wish to go into details, and write about it publicly quite yet, but I felt I needed to share because my heart is shattered into a million pieces, and it's going to take a while to heal.

I keep a lot of my life private, despite sharing a lot of daily moments online, and having written about my adventures in the world for the better part of the last decade. Writting helps me to process things, it helps me navigate tough decisions, it helps me see clearer when life gets dark and foggy.

The past few months have been testing, I lost my french grandmother, my uncle, my english grandad, and now my dad in the space of 4 months. All of this in the midst of selling our home, looking for a new home, and learning to become a mum to my sunshine girl Lyla who is almost 10 months old and zooming all over.

I've been trying to keep my head over water for a long time, barely catching my breath.

Grief is a funny thing. It's been here before, but not like this. This is different. This is life shattering, heartbreaking, soul shaking. Grieving while mothering is also a new beast I've never had to deal with before, in a way it's been my lifeline, hanging on to these daily moments with my smiley, adventurous baby who keeps us all laughing all day long depsite it all. But in ways I know a lot is being bottled up with the fear of breaking down because it's all too much, and my priority, my purpose is to be a mama, to help L thrive the best that I can.

Grief is not linear, nor is it predictable, it comes knocking at your door randomly when you least expect it. So here I am trying to make sense of it all, while being accepting of what is coming my way, and doing the best that I can to look after myself so I can look after my family.

There is no rulebook, so we tread lightely, and figure it out as we go.

We are all currently in France where we organised a beautiful ceremony for my dad, it was hard but it was as perfect as it could have been. I think he would have been proud.

My sister and I have been overwhelmed with the mountain of admin that has come our way, the amount of heavy responsibilities that have fallen on our laps, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I don't have to do all of this alone, that she is walking this path right alongside me. We're holding each other's hands.

Everyday I marvel at how well my mama is coping, and I hope that I've inherited even a fraction of her strength.

Life is a funny thing, when it all comes crumbling down, it somehow makes you stronger and closer than ever before.

So here it is, the month of January has felt like an eternity already, after a few weeks off I wanted to come back here to chat, because after all this space, and Instagram brings me joy, it makes life a little lighter, it helps me see the bright side of things when things get tough, sometimes stepping away is all I need to feel like myself again, but today I've decided that stepping back in is what I need to feel like myself again.

I've had a handful of you writting to me, checking in like old friends, hoping we were all ok, that I was doing well, and for that I would like to thank you. You never know what anyone is going through, and showering strangers with love might just be exactly what they need in that moment. Kindness always wins.

We are here in France for another week before the travelling circus goes 'home'. We don't really have a home base right now, we're luckily staying at M's parent's house in Bristol while we find our feet. The plan was to buy a house in Bristol, start a new chapter, but turns out it has been a rather complicated journey too, visiting 100s of houses, and losing out on a handful of the good ones sadly (the property market is wild at the moment). So when life changed in one instant, we've been talking about shifting our plans slightly.

When you feel at rock bottom it's not often the best time to make life-changing decisions, so we're taking it slow, we might decide to rent somewhere for a year or so, somewhere green and quiet to heal our broken hearts, and re-think those long term goals of ours. Life truly is too short to play it safe and small when you're able to at the very least start reaching for the stars, make a dent into those wild dreams of yours. So if you know of a little cosy cottage into the countryside, with a cute garden and easy-ish access to London which is available to rent for the near future, send it my way ;)

I'll see you soon, but just know that I am doing ok. Despite it all, I am hanging in there, as in love with M and Lyla has I've ever been, and just taking things day by day. I think this year might just be the year I start therapy. It's also going to be the year where I will nuture myself like never before and give myself some serious slack so I can rise again.